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Google Keyword Search for January

Most of them were tame for the first time ever (I need to step it up), but I had a few good ones…

wax patterns for pussy vajazzling for submissive women who live with one man in his house – oddly specific.
grandad in corset –
the strongest butt pills to take
she warp exposure ass hole
sluts on ice
pill shitters

Speaking of sluts on ice*, how about that gold medal women’s hockey game today, eh? I gotta say, I’m usually not a fan of women’s sports. Women’s basketball is snore-inducing. But those ladies know how to work a puck, and that was damned exciting. Stupid empty net post $&(@%$%#&.

*I’m kidding of course, I’m sure they’re very nice ladies.

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The Low-T Captain and the Tentative First Officer

An update, and a response to a comment left in my previous post. 

“I think what you’ve written in your post is a classic example of why women need to sit back and embrace the traditional role of letting the man take care of them and not worry about his goings on… If he get’s laid off that’s his problem. Your problem is to back him up, make him feel great and frankly give him a good BJ before he goes to work, so he’s all calm and aloof…

Don’t mother the man or nag him, or boss him about. Don’t try to upload your feminine bleating into his head, he doesn’t need that. He needs to feel like a warrior. Anything you do in that direction – GOOD. Leave the rest to him.”

I’m going to respond to this in several points. 

1) “If he’s laid off, that’s his problem.” On the contrary, that is very much my problem. I’m depending on him 100% for any and all monetary support. Sure, I can make a little on the side here and there, but realistically, if he were unemployed for a large length of time, we’d be fucked. If he gets laid off or fired because of his own negligence, and I can see it coming like an oncoming train while he keeps repeating the phrase “everything is ok”, how could I possibly sit back and let that happen? There is no way. 

I wrote out a big paragraph of examples of why I don’t trust him to fully take the bridge, but it feels like a husband bitch-session, and that’s not really fair since we’ve worked through some of these issues. I’ll just say simply that low testosterone is coloring all of his interactions and decisions right now, and that makes his interactions and decisions circumspect. He’s already on meds for his thyroid, which should hopefully at least cause a dent, and his first appointment to talk about t-therapy is coming up soon. Until then, I don’t entirely trust that he’s thinking straight and not in the low-t fog. He’s not himself right now.

2) Giving him a BJ before he goes to work… one reason I haven’t written a lot here is that we’ve been in one hell of a drought. We broke the 2-month drought last weekend. Yes, 2 months no sex, for various reasons. He admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that he’s been forcing himself to have sex with me for the last 6 months. Stress and low-t. For the most part, I’ve taken it in stride, but it’s a hard thing to hear. Even now that we’re starting to get back in the groove a little bit, I’m not entirely sure that he’s not still forcing himself for the good of our marriage, because I start to get downright crazy without it. He says he’s not, but also says he understands why I would be unsure. Giving him a BJ sounds like a sure-fire thing, but I’ve read too much about low-t men rejecting their wives’ initiations, and how much that hurts, to even begin to think about it. I know I should be outcome independent, but I already had a difficult time initiating, and now I have a growing worry that he’ll turn me down if I tried. So things are rather tenuous in the bedroom right now. We’re working through it, but knowing that he’s not “all there” hurts my heart, even though I know it shouldn’t. 

He’s lifting weights again, and taking an over-the-counter T-booster. I’m trying to cook good home-cooked paleo foods for us as often as possible. We’re doing what we can with what we have. 

3) Don’t mother him or nag him… You’re totally right. I shouldn’t do that, because it doesn’t work. But I’m not sure anything would “work” right now, so I’m just left feeling a little hopeless about the whole situation until he can get to a doctor and get a solid plan of action in place. 

TL;DR: That’s all well and good except that there’s a medical condition involved, and that complicates things, because simply having a penis doesn’t make a guy a great leader worth following.

If only it were that easy. 

 

Aside from that, I’ve been up to a lot. Crafting (I’m 1/3 done with the 4th Doctor’s scarf, bought a book on sewing that I’ll start after I’m finished with that), de-cluttering the hell out of our living room so that our nearly 2-year-olds don’t kill themselves, taking photos, reading, getting the kids involved in a home school group, hanging out with friends on my own, going to a gym with child-care (so nice!) and, at Ian Ironwood‘s suggestion on my last post, writing. I’m shooting for at least 500 words a day. Will it turn into anything? No idea. But I’m forcing myself to write, keeping it private, and deciding what to do with it later. 

It’s hard to balance. Because I know I need to do all those things, but it also saps my energy like crazy. I’ve had more energy since I started progesterone and thyroid therapy, but I still feel like I have a lot less than a normal person. My sleep is still really bad. But I do feel better. 

We started Dave Ramsey a month ago, and that’s coming along nicely too. We’ve been far in the green since December. We should be getting our tax return soon. We have plans. I feel a lot better about that part. 

Life is looking up, I just need to let it. 

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Photography and Online Dating

A very beautiful friend has loaned me a much nicer camera than my old-and-trusty-girl. I plan on starting up my photography business again ASAP, but to be honest, I’m intimidated. I wasn’t wildly successful the first two times I tried. But I know that people who are successful in business often have to start over several times before figuring it out.

I want to focus on single folks who would like to improve their online presence on dating websites. I’ve done so for one red pill lady friend, and her inbox blew up. Online dating is nearly all about the personality and quality you portray in your profile photo. If you have a crappy photo, most people are going to keep on looking without even clicking on your profile to see who you are. Photos need to be eye catching, and a small investment could make a huge difference.

She’s since found a really great guy, and I want to do that for more people, and also wouldn’t mind doing head shots for professional online accounts like LinkedIn. The same principles apply there too. If any of y’all dear readers are in the DFW-ish area and are interested in helping me on this, let me know (and if you’re outside DFW but still in Texas, I may still be able to do it, I don’t mind traveling a little bit). Session prices half-off for the first few folks who want it. ;)

And even if you’re not near me, consider getting it done for yourself.

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Stuff and stuff

Repost of my disappeared post from last night, slightly edited

I really wish I could say that things were going well… But honestly, I feel like we’re falling apart. Apologies if this is scattered… I just need to write it all out, collect my thoughts.

We had a one hour phone call with Athol Kay on New Years Eve, and that went great. I can’t recommend him enough, if you need some outside direction. The next week, I started focusing on what I need to do with my MAP. I got out and took some photographs, printed them and framed them for our house. I decluttered a lot to get rid of some of the negative energy surrounding me in the house. I started to feel a bit better. We started to feel a bit better.

Then I found out that we actually have a lot less money in savings than I thought we did (less than a single paycheck, much less). My usual response would be to freak out, but something just snapped. I’ve been incredibly detached since that discussion/argument, specifically after he tried to tell me that I was overreacting to having no savings, while he works for a layoff-happy company making 1/2 of what he should be. He has a habit of telling me I overreact to everything, instead of actually dealing with problems. It’s frustrating, to say the least. I know this can be attributed to low-t now, but somehow I’m not consoled by that. I’m just tired of it all.

Things were starting to get a little better last week. We started the Dave Ramsey plan (the books were a great gift from a very dear lady), and have saved $300 in a month. It could always be worse… We have no credit card debt, just stupid fucking student loans. I started warming back up a bit. Felt like things were headed in the right direction. Then Captain M got a bad review at work. With his place of employment, this is basically a warning that he’ll most likely be included in the next layoff. He told me a few weeks ago that the rumor is that layoffs will happen again in February.

So here we are. He’s searching for a new job.

I’m detached because if I engage in thinking about this at all, I will completely freak out. I’m just focusing on the kids right now. I can’t do anything else. And because I feel like I’ve been warning him about his job situation for months now, and he hasn’t heard me. He has such an “everything will be ok, nothing is wrong” attitude about everything, even things that are very serious and need serious action, it’s not a surprise that his aloofness is a problem at work too. I just can’t handle the dismissiveness. I’m a SAHM with 3 small children, and no marketable job skills. It’s not like I can go out and get a second job for income… It’d all be going towards childcare, and it’d be a total wash. My sense if complete helplessness is at a high. I’m not controlling this train. I feel like I’m slowly going crazy, because I don’t trust him.

I feel like the hormones and vitamins have been helping me somewhat, as far as rest goes. I’ve felt a bit more awake, and have had an easier time going to sleep at times. I busted my ass last week and got a lot accomplished in the house, but I’m utterly exhausted, mentally and physically. I’m really scared I’m going to reach a breaking point and completely lose it. The kids are in a very difficult stage right now, and that’s hard to deal with too. I’ve got a boy that I can’t keep clothes or diapers on, and he’s too young to potty train.

Captain M got his T tested again, and it’s even lower than it was before, and his thyroid is still too high. He’s starting on thyroid meds soon, I think. But in the meantime, neither one of us really cares about sex right now. It’s been a month. I grieve because I know we’re slowly dying this way, but at the same time, I don’t think I would enjoy it at all. I’m not sure he would either. I know I’m not very attractive right now, acting like a small wounded animal. My weight loss is still completely stuck, and I’m struggling to keep caring.

And now I’ve probably made myself start crying in Starbucks… Perhaps I should have done this at home. I probably need a good cry, it’s been weeks since I’ve had one.

I’ve got plans to start my photography business up again, and I need to kickstart that ASAP. I’ll have more in another post on that this week.

I’m not really sure what to do with this blog anymore, besides try to work these things out through text. The desire to only put out a perfect picture of myself is still strong, so I’ll likely regret re-posting this, but it’s just how my life is right now. The red pill stuff doesn’t solve everything, and I wish it did. I wish there was something I could do that would just fix all this mess. The last year has been one big downward spiral.

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When it rains, it pours: wtf

So I wrote out a really long update, and wordpress completely ate it. I think it published, because it auto-tweeted, but the link is dead. Not even saved as a draft.

If anyone is subscribed and happened to get an email of it, please forward it to me so I can repost…

Hope you’re all living wonderful happy lives so far this year.

Edit: got it, thanks y’all!

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Sinus Explodey Pig Bird Flu Alert

I dunno what I got, but it’s knocked me on my ass. I literally stayed in bed earlier in the week. The kids are all sick too. Captain M is immune as always. Not really how I wanted to spend our at-home vacation.

But other than that, our actual Christmas was great. The kids had a great time, fun was had, presents were opened, ham was consumed.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, or Hanukkah, or whatever you may celebrate this time of year. And I hope the new year is all you could hope for and more.

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Stop Being an Asshole, and Start Being an Asshole

We had another marriage meeting last night (still haven’t thought of anything clever to call it), wherein I basically said the above. 

He’s confused, and I probably didn’t really word that quite right. 

You see, it’s not that I don’t appreciate everything you do, honey… I love how great of a dad you are, I love that you take care of me when I need it, I love that you provide for us, and I wouldn’t trade any of that for anything in the world. I just need you to take me across your knee and spank the shit out of me when I start to get out of control. Because somehow that makes me feel more in control. Or if not, just tell me STFU. I talk too much. 

Make sense?

(I tried to find an “innocent blinky” type gif to put here, but it just reminded me of Doctor Who, because we watched “Blink” two days ago, and now I want to go hide under my bed with a flashlight.)

Image

And I know what you need from me, and I’m working on that. I’m not sure how, but I am. 

Love you dear. 

XOXO

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