My Cypher Moment

Can Your Wife Be Your Best Friend?

This makes me incredibly depressed. As I’ve stated, I’m an introvert, and I don’t particularly like other women. All my “friends” are flaky as shit (yes, gentlemen, they’re flaky to their own kind as well, it’s not just you). I don’t feel like I have any close friends right now, other than maybe my sister, and she lives half the country away. She visited last weekend, she told me about her marriage problems, I gave her the MMSL Primer, and we had a good long red pill chat. But then she had to leave again, and it made me realize how much I miss having a friend.

Reading Athol’s post makes me realize that I have felt him become a bit detached from me. I don’t like it. I understand it, but for years I would say he was my best friend, and it really hurts to think that the reality is otherwise. Really hurts.

Throw in a good ol’ fashioned gigantic miscommunication fight this weekend, and it makes for a very lonely, frustrated me this morning. It’s cold here today, a cold front just came in and the heater is turned on. I kind of just want to curl up under a blanket in bed and cry myself to sleep for the day.

(Hormonal right now? Yes. Did you even need to ask?)

I’ve got a few minutes to myself while the kids are asleep to just let it out right now, so that’s good. But then it’s time to put on a pretty face and hold it all in till he gets home.

24 comments on “My Cypher Moment

  1. And to clarify, I don’t mean hold it in so I can blow up on him when he comes in the door, but maybe take a few minutes in the bathroom to get a good cry while he watches the kids for a few minutes. I’m a cryer, and I hate it, but it makes me feel better when I’m done, kind if like when you eat something that makes you sick and you puke to make yourself feel better. An emotional puke is what it is.

  2. I usually sort of “lurk” your blog, but I just wanted to comment today.
    I too have no real friends that are women, and they do seem flaky (the ones I can think about off the top of my head).
    I was always the girl in High School who hung out with the group of guys.
    I just don’t get other women for the most part… but anyways, I am feeling for you today on this nasty cold day.
    Hang in there. I always feel better after a good cry.
    I’d like to think my “H” (my hubby) is my best friend, but there are times when I feel very distant form him and it ends up with me feeling very alone. I wish for a “best friend” type, one to confide all thing in.
    Anyways, I’m rambling – sorry

    Take care,

    Emi J Jones.

    • I’m already feeling better after letting it all out and spending a morning playing with the kidlets. Thank you so much for reading, and for coming out of lurking for the commiseration and encouragement. It means a lot. We loner women gotta stick together. :D

  3. I’m a lurker and don’t usually comment but I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. I can count on one hand the number of women I’ve really trusted and most of my friendships are on the superficial side. Having kids (especially small kids) makes cultivating new friendships difficult and my sister lives 5 hours away. Phone calls just aren’t the same. I’m a bit of a crier too, though I try not to cry in front of my kids. Sometimes laughing really really hard gives me the same emotional release (or close) that a good cry does. It’s not quite the same but it could help in the short-term. Are there any websites or movies that that make you LOL? Or maybe you could have a tickle fight with your kids? Basically I just wanted to say that you’re not alone and I sincerely hope things get better for you! BTW, I really like your blog :)

    • My silly kids definitely helped this morning. :) Good suggestion, I’ll search Netflix for something silly we can all watch and laugh at together. The day is looking up, but there’s still a cold little spot in my chest over the “I can’t be his best friend” thing. Everything is a work in progress. Maybe if I can get all the kids to nap today, I can throw in some yoga.

  4. Finding RL friends who are potential *real* friends is a pain in the tush. I have some awesome internet buddies, but there’s only so close you can get through a screen.

    You’re not alone!

    • The kids makes it extra hard. I posted about meeting some awesome red pill ladies a few weeks ago, but I haven’t had the time to even think to set up another meeting, and it’s hard to plan things when you think you don’t have the time but then it turns out you do because the people you made plans with are gigantic FLAKES! Holy run in sentence, Batman! :D

      Hell, my own mom has flaked on Christmas plans, so I don’t even have any idea what we’re doing for the holidays. Bah.

      • Yeah, you can ditch flakey friends, but your mom? Can’t ditch Mom. :p

        If your kids are little, have you thought of joining a moms’ group? MOPS or something similar? My church runs something like that, and it was awesome when I had toddlers underfoot. Not the same as real friends, but you might meet someone and have a connection. And if you drop out they’re not too bummed.

        • I’ve tried a couple… I’ll have to write the story of the bitch-tacular Moms of Twins Group sometime. None have really stuck, but I haven’t looked much since the boys were born, that one burned me so bad. They’re old enough and eating/sleeping regularly enough that I could probably try again.

  5. I feeling ya on the kiddos too!
    I have tiny twin boys at home and 2 daughters in school.
    Kids make it hard though.

  6. Gotta remember Cypher blew it all up because someone else got the girl he wanted. That’s about it.

    It’s a balancing act. Absolutely you have to have an emotional connection, the husband just can’t stop acting like the Captain and be endlessly off duty hanging out with you.

    You’re being depressed by him taking the relationship more seriously?

    • No… But yes? I’m not sure. I’m not thinking too clearly at the moment. I think it’s mainly that I always considered us “best friends”, but saying that seems kind of childish now that I see it in print.

      We had a ridiculous night of sex Friday night, followed by a pretty shit weekend. Maybe we just need to find a good way to reconnect, and we haven’t had the opportunity to do it.

  7. Since we don’t live anywhere near each other.. you can… yeah, you can friendzone me any day. ;)

    I feel your pain. As an introvert, i too wanted my wife, my soulmate to be my best friend. Someone i could talk with that wouldn’t throw it back in my face. It’s what she said she wanted too. So i opened up to her. Boy what i mistake that was.

    That and she was highly extroverted. Le sigh…

    If you want to penpal me.. you know how to reach me heheh

    • LOL thanks! Consider yourself friend-zoned. :P

      I can tell he doesn’t talk to me as much anymore, which sucks, but I understand. Particularly when it comes to his job. I’m already all wound up about it. I suspect the situation is worse than he’s letting on, but if he confided it to me, I’d probably lose my goddanged mind.

      • As much as you’d like him to open up, i guarantee that after a while of him feeling safe in talking to you about things, he’d continue. And you’d eventually come to resent it and feel like not being his ‘therapist’ and learning things about him you’d rather not know. You’d view him as a whiner. Someone who can’t solve his own problems. Someone you can’t look up to.

        And right now he’s looking out for your interests in not telling you. Unless the situation becomes dire, he’s already working on whatever is bugging him about his job and possible solutions. Telling you and making you worry about anything wouldn’t help the situation one bit.

        This was the lie of feminism for us men to open up and become vulnerable. It’s culturally acceptable for females to do. When men do it because we’re encouraged to.. we become emasculated. If we vent, we should do it with our buddies over beers or killing scores of zombies online. It’s not for our wives to hear our problems.. only to make our lives more comfortable when we get home.. so we can safely listen to your problems.. and then offer solutions :)

        One thing women need to come clean with is having talks without resolutions. As a man.. hearing women talk just to express ‘feelings’ without any kind of thought to resolution is as one blogger called ‘Babble’. I agree. Don’t talk to your man if you don’t want answers to problems!

  8. I can completely relate to what you’re feeling. My husband and I are both very introverted and don’t really have friends. My sisters are my only real friends and they live in another state. In the past couple months, I’ve been making an effort to make friends, but it is hard. It seems like everyone in my city is originally from here and already has a group of friends. I also have trouble finding women with common interests. There are some good mom groups out there, but they can be hard to find. I’m sure your moms of twins group stories mirror some of my moms group experiences. :) My church started a preschool group, and it’s been good so far. Your blog is great! I like knowing I’m not the only one who struggles with these issues. I hope everything works out well with your sister’s marriage and with your husband’s job.

  9. Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one without good friends. I have my church friends, and we do share a strong spiritual bond, and that’s all good, but oh my gosh, mention the word, sex, and it’s like you’ve grown two heads. They go on all these women retreats and are always inviting me, but for me, if I’m going to spend a couple hundred dollars and take a weekend away, I want it to be with my husband, on a warm beach with lots of margaritas and good sex. They think I’m not spiritual enough.

    Thank heavens for my mom and my sister, but they live a state away.

    RPW, if I lived in Texas, I’d be your friend.

  10. Having Red Pill friends is something that’s easier for guys, I think. Guys at least start from the same basic assumption: more sex is good. More sex is the goal. You take the bluest-pill guy out there, and he’ll still agree with you on that basic premise. It must be pretty lonely being a Red Pill woman and not having anyone to relate to about trying to improve your marriage.

    I’m lucky. I started reconnecting with my male friends pretty early in the process, and they were still right there where I left them. They never flaked on me. I was the one who flaked on them by getting too involved with my LTR and forgetting to make time for them. But guys are pretty forgiving about that. It’s almost assumed that at a certain point, everyone disappears from the group for a while. But their place is always saved for them when they finally come back.

    • Yeah, we’ve got a group of friends back home like that. It’s great to visit and pick up like we never left off. I miss it so much.

      It is a lot different as a red pill woman, in that my blue pill friends have become seriously annoying. I can tell when they’re rationalizing, they don’t care if their husbands aren’t getting sex, they bad mouth their them to a certain extent, they’re flakey, etc. Blech.

  11. I disagree on not being best friends with your spouse. I wouldn’t want to marry someone I didn’t consider to be my best friend. I’ve seen a good few older people who have been married donkey’s years say “he/she is my best friend”. That’s what I want and that’s what I have with 7man. There comes a time to go beyond ‘game’ and be human.

  12. Oh, and I have *one* good female friend who lives in this city. This is an improvement on none! She is 26 (I am 40) and a Pentecostal (I’m Catholic) but we don’t disagree on much and what we do disagree on we just talk about and still find Christian fellowship with each other, since it is extremely difficult to find traditional Christian believers anymore. That was one of my first major disappointments after converting – where the heck are the Christians?!

    Anyway, point is that it is definitely a benefit to have even one dependable female friend, but I still think of 7man as my best friend and I love him all the more for that.

  13. Hey, one more thing (sorry for the barrage of comments, lol). Sometimes the pulling away is just the way men process things, especially if they are introverts. 7man does this too and yes, it does hurt, but it’s not deliberate and he is aware that I feel it that way. We come back together and nothing really changes as far as the foundation and friendship goes, so it all works out.

  14. Red-pill women are hard to come by, agreed. Usually in the early stages of friendship-forging, we get close enough that she starts talking about “boys,” and I tell her my opinions and generally things fizzle pretty quickly.

    I’ve had better luck turning good friends on to Red Pill Truths. Of course both were pretty naturally non-flaky, respectful, relationship-minded women in the first place.

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