Religious Responsibility

Pic unrelated to the subject matter of this post. Hockey is just awesome.

I don’t often write about religion… In fact, I purposefully avoid it, because I know it can turn folks off. Reading religious things sometimes turn ME off, so I know the feeling. I’ve stopped following a couple of blogs that are particularly preachy; I love a good philosophical debate, I enjoy a reasoned religious article relating to current events or modern relationships, but I can’t handle downright preachy and judgmental for the sake of being preachy and judgmental.

That said, this post will be a bit religious in nature. I’ll understand if you want to tune out. Don’t worry, there won’t be many posts like this. I believe in the quote (or possibly misquote) of St. Francis: “Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.” Living life as a Christian is more important than the words. Even though I’m in kind of a down point in my religious life for a variety of reasons, I still strive to live by example.

In responding to some things over at Sexy Christian Wife, I remembered a conversation my husband and I had one evening while lying in bed. I urged him to come to me anytime he felt the temptation to look at pornography or masturbate, and I would make sure he was taken care of.

There are practical reasons for my suggestion… pornagraphy can be harmful in many physiological and psychological ways. Having sex more often binds us to each other hormonally. Plus sex is just plain fun.

But also for the religious reasons. As a wife, I am responsible for his sexual well being. By denying him sex, I am increasing the likelihood of temptation and driving him to things that make him sin, whether simply pornography or a full blown affair if I deny him long enough. If I can be a tool to help him get to heaven, and it involves lots of sexy underwear and handcuffs, isn’t that a beautiful thing?

I knew this for so long, but I never really owned it. Rationalization played a big part. I went to confession to confess “depriving my spouse of the marital right” nearly every time I could. I knew he was probably confessing pornography and lust at the same time, but my hamster never let my brain put two and two together. “Oh, that’s his personal struggle. He’ll have to deal with it.” Why was I so stupid?

So girls: help your husband get to heaven. Screw him till he’s cross-eyed, then screw him some more.

21 comments on “Religious Responsibility

  1. It’s good to see I haven’t lost you yet. I’ve become a very big enthusiast in the idea that frequent married sex cures many evils.

  2. @Sis..herein lies the dichotomy of Sheila’s approach. RPW advocates for an anytime anyplace (maybe) approach to sexual satisfaction. Sheila advocates for a whimsical “mutual” approach. Predicated on the assumption that men are more voracious, then men just have to suck it up if wife is not into it, because then, it wouldn’t be mutual. Of course, this relies on the perception also of a very (I’ll say) immature, one dimensional marital experience.

  3. “help your husband get to heaven. Screw him”

    should be a bumper sticker. i need to think of a secular version to apply for myself.

    i love your approach to this (and the heels… gawd damn the heels…. did i mention heels?) .. wait did i just hear something off in the distance?

    the sound of a feminists head exploding?

  4. I am so grateful for this post, rpw. It is so nice to find like-minded women because lately I’ve been wondering if I’m some kind of freak for talking about sex (within marriage of course) on my blog. I’ve received butt-loads of criticism lately from Christian women; here is an example written by one elena vidal:

    I really think that Woman and the Dragon blog is supposed to be a joke, making fun of sincere Catholics. For one thing, it is pornographic. It is written without shame or modesty; I have trouble believing a devout Catholic woman wrote it. Whoever wrote it is seriously confused on a number of issues. It promotes practices contrary to marital chastity. Furthermore, Christian marriage does not require a wife to be a sex slave, particularly where unnatural acts are concerned. Brides are not prostitutes. What frightens me is that I see some young Catholic women promoting this blog. If that what they think Christian marriage is, I feel sorry for them.

    You know what, I DON’T feel shame about having sex with my husband and, under cover of anonymity, telling everyone on teh interwebz about it, but only for the purpose of exhorting my Christian sisters to stop depriving their husbands. One woman wrote that I have a “lack of reticence about the marital bed.” Yup, and many Christian women seem to have a lack of ACTION in the marital bed, which is in direct violation of 1 Corinthians 7:5.

    It is a spiritual issue; I firmly believe that satan himself is pleased when Christian women deprive their husbands or when they make sex so dull and dreary that the man loses interest. These women don’t understand that what they are doing is fairly feministic; it puts the woman in charge and she gets to be the arbiter of when sex happens, how it happens, and how it is framed. That’s not what the Bible says she ought to be doing, and it is clearly contrary to the nature of men and women.

    Great post!

    • Amen!! I really think that a big problem is that the Church teaches no-sex-before-marriage passionately (with good reason!), but after so many years of hearing “sex is bad, sex is bad, sex is bad”, it’s hard to mentally switch gears to “sex is GOOD! And HOLY!” without a lot of reassurance from priests and fellow married couples. JP2 tried and did pretty well with Theology of the Body, but not enough people have even heard of it.

      Like I said, I have some theological issues I’m working through right now that have been weighing heavily on my mind, I may need to bounce a couple of things off you eventually, if you don’t mind lending an ear.

      • I find it really hard to get behind no sex before marriage, and would be interested if someone could walk me through the theological justifications, given that as I understand it marriage as we practice it today simply didn’t exist in the era of the Old Testament: sex was marriage, in many ways. What do the gospels and Paul say? I confess I haven’t really studied this closely enough, only recently starting to drift slowly back towards faith.

        On a practical level, the benefits of sex before marriage are surely obvious: you and I have both seen cases on the MMSL forums of couples getting married being Clueless Virgins and not getting the whole sexual compatibility thing straightened out beforehand, with very unfortunate results. Kitten and I get along very well outside of the bedroom and she is a wonderful companion, but imagine if we didn’t have sex, got married, and then found we were both naturally sexually submissive? Or both naturally sexually dominant? Or one of us was very vanilla while the other discovered a massive kinky side? Our drives were nowhere near compatible? I shudder to think…

        I think Athol has recommended at least some pre-marital sex somewhere, preferably during engagement. You surely have to road-test that car at some point before committing forever, right?

        Plus, even on a level of casual sex, it’s not the worst for guys as they can learn and practice some Game skills in the field that will doubtless be of benefit to them in relationships. It’s worse for girls because of the risk of being made an alpha widow, but on the plus side coming into a relationship not being a Clueless Virgin does have its upside.

        I’m curious to see what people think…

        • Paul:

          “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.” (1 Corinthians 7:8-9 RSV)

          Basically, keep it in your pants, and if you can’t, get married, lol.

          I only converted to Catholicism relatively recently, so the Captain and I had lots of premarital sex. If we weren’t good together, I doubt we’d have stayed together. So I’m torn about it. On the one hand, like you say, you don’t want to end up married for life to someone whom you’re not compatible with, or who has physical or psychological blocks to having sex at all. On the other hand, I believe God intended sex to be a beautiful gift for married people.

          It’s one of the many theological points I’m struggling to understand and come to terms with, because I’m going to have to have this chat with our kids one day. :/

        • It’s kinda a mystical thing, where the uniting of bodies in a sexual relationship is a huge part of what makes “marriage” marriage. So trying someone out really isn’t on for obedient Christians. Contemplation might be made of 1 Corinthians 6:16, and becoming one-flesh even without pure intentions.

  5. “the Church teaches no-sex-before-marriage passionately (with good reason!), but after so many years of hearing “sex is bad, sex is bad, sex is bad”, it’s hard to mentally switch gears to “sex is GOOD! And HOLY!””

    Try near-impossible. I could marry a virgin and the first time, there would probably be a peanut gallery in the back of my mind jeering “Wow, she likes this, what a slut.” I guess some things are cement-pressed so deep, so early, they never shake loose.

    What this says about me, I’m not sure, but feel free to come to your own conclusions.

    • It’s okay if she’s a slut for you alone. This is why I miss 7man and Cl’s blog so much; that is where I found the first validation for the idea of being a holy slut. I can be as sexual and wild with my husband as I want, or as he wants, because I trust and respect him, and it’s not a sin.

      • I understand that. Or at least I do on an intellectual level. I’m talking about an ingrained, reflexive, almost Pavlovian instinctual response.

        Instinctive isn’t quite the right word, because it’s a learned reaction. But all the nonstop persistent messages about women being more moral, not driven by sex, etc. etc. makes it second nature.

        Not that I would let it stop me, of course. ;)

  6. [...] Thankfully, there are a number of Christian women who are taking the Biblical red pill and rejecting sexual feminism.  Red Pill Wifey, who is Catholic, wrote in her post Religious Responsibility: [...]

  7. As an outsider to Christianity, I always find posts like these absolutely fascinating. It helps me understand just how varied and complex Christianity really is.

    It also holds a lens up to the larger identity crises we are suffering in our Culture right now. We honestly seem to have lost the plot with Marriage as a whole. The religious confusion Christians struggle with in regards to Marriage are a bright and clear microcosm of the murky secular confusion about the same problem.

    We have added so many caveats, outs, and options to accommodate Feminism, Postmodernism, Multiculturalism, Post-Industrialism, etc. that we have shrouded Marriage (and Sex, for that matter) in confusion. It is hard to know what is the right way to be in a relationship… let alone put two and two together and see how our actions build the results we get in our relationships.

    All we can really do now, is ask ourselves “what is good for me?” and “what is not good for me?” and choose to do what is good for us. Those with a strong religious tradition are finding themselves with an advantage there; they have a rubric like the Bible to define “good for me.”

  8. I absolutely loved this post and will be sharing it as widely and frequently as I can. Terrific stuff. I hadn’t really thought of the “responsibility” frame before, but it’s quite right; if Kitten and I are going to be faithful to each other, we each have a responsibility to make sure the other’s sexual needs are fulfilled: it’s part of the contract that comes with fidelity.

    @Sunshine Mary: all my remorselessly secular friends, dogmatic and grim in their atheism, would be horrified, but your blog is a wonderful guilty pleasure. Please never, ever stop blogging about how to serve up your husband 39 flavours of sanctified slut on demand. At times when mainstream discourse makes it sound as though religion and awesome sexuality are polar opposites, your blog is a real light in the darkness.

  9. People used to just know this stuff. Here’s an old English folk song on the topic.

  10. @coffeecrazed
    My favorite perspective on how wives should respond to their husbands sexually is based on Christ and the church. Christ never forces the church to love Him, we have free will to choose Him. If you really think about it, I think most husbands would prefer their wives to freely choose to have sex with them than they would to have a wife who feels it is her spiritual duty to have sex with him to help him resist temptations. We should delight in and enjoy our husbands, sexual hedonism should be encouraged within marriage.

  11. Hebrews 13:4 (KJV): “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

    Within Biblical marriage, the marriage bed is undefiled (pure). To me, that means that pretty much anything goes physically that is mutually enjoyed. For those that see the Bible as the highest authority, it would be well to remember that what people say or imply is not always, and often not, the same as what the Bible does.

  12. Way to go! It’s a good hope to read this and see that in some ways there are those who haven’t bended knee to feminism in their marriages when it comes to sexuality.

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