This is one of those “let me dissect myself to figure out what’s going on” posts…
We’ve had a rather cool January. The coolness toward each other started because of illness, but just kept going from there. I feel like he’s severely withdrawn from me, and it hurts quite a bit. In the back of my mind, I’m thinking “you deserve it, bitch” and I know that’s a problem, trying to get that particular hamster to STFU.
We’ve had sex 5 times this month. This is a very, very big change for us from the last 3 months. November was 12 times, December was 12 times, I don’t have data for October but I think it was similar if not more. He’s been really stressed about work, the kids being sick, me being sick, etc. I know these are all reasonable reasons to be stressed.
I guess I’m feeling his lack of initiation as a rejection, and that sounds completely ridiculous now that I type it out. And I don’t even specifically want sex… I just need a connection with him. The last month has been a routine of us going to bed, him immediately falling asleep, and me feeling lonely and unable to sleep after we’ve both spent our days putting our fires. Why is it so hard for me to just DO SOMETHING about it other than periodically texting or emailing “I miss you”?
Part of his alpha was his uncaring “I’m going to grab your ass if I want to, I don’t care what you say, woman” sort of attitude, but none of that has happened lately. I feel like I’m just kind of floating along through my days, and he just kind of shows up at the end of the day to help a little with the kids, then we’re done and I’m back to being alone the next day. We’ve watched a tv show together a couple of times, but that doesn’t really cut it for me in the “quality time” department (which is my love language, and I didn’t even know it till I took that test). I just feel like he’s not really here when he’s here.
We had a really hot date Saturday, and I thought that opened things back up. I got dressed up (though I feel like the “hot clothes” I recently bought are already not fitting right. More about my wardrobe malfunctions in another post), bought some new red lipstick, donned some new knee-high leather boots, and we made a night of it. Ended up at a bar to watch the Stars game, lots of flirting, drinking, and talking, and the night ended in a really hot way. I actually initiated the next morning with a “come here” text when I woke up, and we had a pretty good time, complete with dirty talk that I don’t normally feel all that comfortable doing. And his mom was still here, so that was a huge step for me.
And since then… It’s felt cold again. His work audit is over today, and I really hope that brings him back to me. My immediate defense mechanism to his withdrawal is to withdraw myself, and I’m trying not to do that. Maybe left over from previous relationships, when those withdrawals usually preceded the “I love you, but I’m leaving” speech?
RPW,
Maritus and I go through this from time to time. Sometimes it’s initiated by me and sometimes from him (I am very introverted). When initiated by him, in the past, I felt much like you do now. Here is what I have discovered (in my marriage. I cannot say if it is the same for yours, but it might help), 99.9% of the time it has absolutely nothing to do with me. It’s work, stress, the kids, etc, etc, etc. Everything comes to a head at once and he just needs time to unwind by himself.
What I discovered is, the more I tried to do something to appease my feelings of neglect, the worse I felt because he just was not ready yet. He really just needed time to himself (sometimes for a couple of weeks). As soon as I learned to accept that it had nothing to do with me and I found my own thing to do by myself in the evenings and on the weekends it got much, much easier. I still missed him, but I was happily enjoying my thing and focusing on that instead. What I found was that I was no longer hurt and he would always come back when he had his time to unwind. Only now, instead of being incredibly worried the whole time, I was content and he didn’t feel any pressure from me. I think this helps him to unwind faster as well.
Now, having gone back and reread this, it sounds really easy to do. It’s not. It took me some time to do this. It took practice to not worry. Heck, sometimes I still do. But as soon as I stop worrying the time goes by faster, he feels less pressure, I’m happier, he’s less stressed and the whole house it calmer for it.
Thank you SO MUCH for this response. I feel like even though we’ve been married 8 years, we’ve started all over, and I’m just as clueless about marriage as I was when I was in my early 20′s.
I know you’re right. I’ve got to develop some “outcome independence” of my own.
We have the same rotten thing going on here: Sick, followed by busy, followed by tired, followed by irritable… It’s a nasty cycle, with no one to blame.
Call it the Winter blahs. Every day is another episode of, “You’re kidding me! What next?” Always another problem, as we drift farther and farther apart.
I wish I had an easy solution, but hibernating until spring isn’t practical. Instead, we look for ANY excuse to spend time together; trivial errands, a quick walk, a quick (ahem) quickie, whatever we can manage. This doesn’t cure anything, but it helps to keep us (at least loosely) connected. During these rough patches, we don’t resemble the happy, playful, intimate people that we truly are. Oh, well, we live to fight another day. And wait for Spring.
Above all else, we avoid blaming each other.
IMHO, I think January is one of the hardest months for couples in general. I know it is for my husband and me, as well as about 75% of my friends. It seems that the increase in winter clods and flu coupled with the “after holiday crash,” while attempting to get back into a normal routine in the New Year means stress levels are through the roof. And while we all know that sex is a great stress reliever, sometimes when you are that stressed out, it’s hard to get motivated to anything, even if it’s something you enjoy so much. Also, I know for my husband, (not sure if the same is true for yours), January is such a busy time for him at work. He feels like he’s being pulled in a hundred different directions, and there is an over abundance of end of year work and beginning of year planning to be done.
I think Stingray is right. Try and find things to keep you busy and happy during this down time of his. The less pressure and stress he feels from any source in his life, the sooner you will both be back in your happy routine.
I’m glad you posted this. I think so many women internalize their marital struggles, instead of seeking support and/or guidance from their peers. It’s a difficult thing for most women to do. But then again, you are definitely not most women
It does seem like January has been a pretty shit month for a lot of my friends too. I just don’t remember it being so bad in previous years.
And thanks for that last bit. Sometimes I feel like I’m unloading a lot of negativity here, but I also feel like a lot of other gals go through it, so it’s worth posting if the wonderful comments I get help someone else too.
Ah, so it’s January that’s the problem in my house lately! That must explain the reason why HHG isn’t even speaking to me at the moment. It can’t be that I’ve been an insufferable bitch. No.
*chuckle*
No, surely not. Mirror image in our house right now, and I *know* it’s not me…
(((HUGS)) to you!
I am feeling this for the past week or more!
You wrote – “”he just kind of shows up at the end of the day to help a little with the kids, then we’re done and I’m back to being alone the next day. “”
THIS is my life… right now.. and I just don’t know if it’s the winter blues, having twinnies (and no sleep) and that stress, or just the basic hating on myself that seems to happen if I’m not feeling the love so to say…. I guess I’m feeling numb.
*(sigh)*
Anyways – I think more of us go through this then we say. Glad you posted it.
The twins not sleeping definitely does not help… Thankfully, ours have started to sleep through the night (knock on wood), so at least I’ve got that going for me, when the toddler doesn’t wake up at 4:30am to bang on the wall with a toy hammer.
Yours are about 6 months behind mine right? So about 3 months old?
My two cents…
Yeah winter is tough on us too. Everything seems harder, on top of having the flu season to deal with.
I don’t track our sex life by numbers, but I know without having to do that, that we have way less sex in the winter than we do in the summer.
I bet this year isn’t any worse than previous years, I bet you are just more aware and more analytical about things than you were in the past, or at least you are looking for a different perspective.
It’s all just ebb and flow, this is just one of the down cycles, it will turn back up.
Well, in previous years we weren’t having any sex or physical affection, so it would be hard to tell a difference between months, heh.
Not getting out during the day is getting to me too, I think. When it was just K, I could load her up and head out pretty easily if I wanted to go to the park or whatever. Taking all 3 out by myself is so physically and emotionally taxing, I can’t convince myself to do it most of the time.
I feel for ya.. i truly do.
“texting or emailing “I miss you”?” really jarred me. My ex used to text that to me too after long withdrawals after fight or argument. Can’t speak for others, but when i’m pissed or feel i’ve been wronged, i don’t feel like sexy time, especially if i feel the trouble started with her. I don’t do ‘angry sex’, tho others thrive off it.
When i was stewing, i didn’t want to hold or touch or slap my wifes ass, i didn’t have any feeling of love or intimacy to give so it would be forced if i tried, and i don’t do acting. I remember something i think Stingray said about a woman just becoming vulnerable and submissive.. like drop to your knees and place your head on his knee and just gaze up with puppy dog eyes, and his natural male instinct to care for you and make things better will break down the ‘cold shield’.
Men want respect and admiration, that grows feelings of love & intimacy within us and then we display it and lavish it upon you. It’s like a circle that creates and builds upon itself.
I know a lot of women hate it and say “Why do i always have to be the first to…X”
Because it’s the quickest way to get him to open his heart to you?
Ironically, I was the one that wrote about submissive posturing.
Overt submission like that has been sort of a sticking point lately, for reasons I haven’t written about yet (not sure if I will, it’s sort of a sore subject after a previous incident that I never mentioned here). I’ll have to give it all some serious thought.
Oy vey. Well, it’s sound advice.. but if it’s used as a crutch once too often, there’s underlying stuff to tackle.
Wish i had good advice to offer. Sadly, my marriage has been brown bread for some time now.. so i don’t think you should be listening to me at all
Ah bullshit. You’re a man, so you can offer us ladies insight that we wouldn’t otherwise get.
It’s why I read your blog!
Could the combination of sickies and the presence of the mother-in-law be making a difference? Many guys channel more beta around their moms – not all. In a pinch, wake him up with a little lipstick around the dipstick. As long as he isn’t going to bed angry or petulant, it gives a really fast attitude adjustment! Good luck!
Second the motion. Use plenty of lipstick in the most visible spot as a reminder throughout the day. Everytime he looks down. If he says he didn’t sneak a look and smiled, he lies. Just be ready when he gets home.
I take lack of sex, or even the desire to initiate, personally. Even knowing it’s ridiculous I cannot help the onslaught of the initial feelings; it feels like a rejection or lack of interest to me. But I have learned that if want the connection (and I need the connection, if not the actual release, of sex) then I have to initiate. I have to demand, to ask, to touch, to kiss, to grope. What he does from that point is on him, but I cannot sit back idly and hope and wish and feel miserable – because I am creating that misery and putting the blame wrongfully on him.
Often, like most of the above comments, it’s not me: it’s kids, illnesses, work, injuries, an upset over a sports team or a horrible show; there’s a lot of places that create a mood not conducive to sex. I have to create the mood. I have to share a sexy picture or video, suggest watching porn together, share an erotic story or blog, text (glad you got out of your comfort zone with that).
I have the same experience with my wife. When sex gets backburnered by things, I tend to withdraw. If she is ill, tired, preoccupied or showing no interest in sex (and I do mean sex, not intimacy.) I loss interest in putting forth any effort to change her mind. I want to be wanted, not catered too. Perhaps this is why women tend not to initiate on the whole? It is a natural part of the process for them to be pursued, desired and wanted. We men want the same things too, but it is not ingrained into woment to recognize and feed that want. Not as a good girl anyway. Is it possible that if we men do not initiate they do indeed read it as a lack of interest or desire on our part? They then withdraw. We read that as rejection on their part and a cycle of self-perpetuating mutual withdrawl begins until the sense of connection is so weak they no longer desire sex. We both have now become so distant that initiating looses it’s natural feel leaving us desiring but fearing further “rejection” and uncertain as how to proceed. If we have not had sex for two or more weeks, just the act itself can be halting and feel clumsy as we get reaquainted physically and emotionally. The longer the lapse, the more difficult the process. It all comes back pretty quick, but it can be awkward initially.
Two nights ago we were lying in bed watchng the tube, comedies she watches for the most part. Out of nowhere came a really strong desire for her, very alpha in nature, but I didn’t act upon it. We haven’t had much shared time together lately and I didn’t want to “spoil” her fun enjoying the shows together. I didn’t want to turn that event into sex, as much as I wanted her. I didn’t want it to seem like I had joined her with an agenda to have sex at some point, not just enjoy time with her. Did I do the right thing? My man parts didn’t think so, that’s for sure. Sometimes it isn’t a lack of desire or interest that keeps us from initiating. It is consideration of a unique set of circumstances. We are capable of being unselfish too, you know? Perhaps not as often as you ladies of course, but that’s part of our charm. LOL
“Is it possible that if we men do not initiate they do indeed read it as a lack of interest or desire on our part?”
Most definitely. Abso-freaking-lutely. Particularly if we know that your libido is typically 2-3 times a week like clockwork.
As for whether or not you should have initiated… Hmm. I think so. If not during the shows, then after. TV throws such a wrench into sex though, seems like. By the time I’m done watching something, it’s harder to get in the mood. Just my experience though.
I did wait for all of the comediies to run their course until 10P and then on came Castle, a drama she likes so that pretty much put a cap on it. When I saw that a NEW Castle wasstarting, not a rerun, the want to just totally bled out of me. I am sure if I had initiated she would have followed suit but I just decided to go BK and let her have it her way. You’re right though. Because of the time cycles, TV is probably the biggest killer of intimacy, especially if you have one in the bedroom. Desire can be such a fleeting thing and if you don’t have TIVO and decide to wait, the moment can easily pass. This whole comment is such a sad commentary in that we have submitted to allowing entertaining distractions to replace intimacy and sexual pleasure. How wrong is that picture? Farenheit 451 or 1984 anyone? We PURPOSELY forego the extremely sublime pleasure of sexual involvement with our partner for a two dimensional anesthetic. Unless we ARE INVOLVED in the two dimensional solitary stimulus of porn, again at the expense of our very real, very warm, very moist mate. So sad.
Absolutely. TV in the bedroom is an absolute relationship killer. I used to bug Captain M about getting one to put in there, but the more I read situations like that, the more I realize he was totally right to say “Hell no!”
The only shows we watch are on the DVR or Netflix so we can watch when we actually want to instead of when we have to. We do miss out on some good shows that way though. Badly want to catch up on Game of Thrones, but we don’t want to pay the extra money for HBO, hehe.
That was the part that stood out to me too…When Levi goes from initiating 4-5 times a week and then just stops…I automatically assume that it is me…the self-doubt comes in and I think…did I do something wrong the last time? Did he somehow loose interest in the last week…as irrational as it sounds…that is exactly what is going through my head. He always seems shocked when I tell him this…why would you think that? he says. But I usually feel better if I say…hey, we seem to be out of sorts lately and it is making me feel xyz…we usually get back on track pretty quickly. It is typically work, or he’s tired, or the kids, etc. Have you tried telling him?
hmm…is this “later”?
Oooooh. Totally forgot about that. Duly noted.
This might be crap advice, especially since I’m a never-married perennial single, but whenever I’m feeling in a down mood, for whatever reason, the more someone tries to cheer me up or bring me out of it, the more I want to say GTFO.
It’s happened to me a few times with past girlfriends. I’m not mad at them, most times I’m not even really mad, I just need a little time to just let it pass through me. Probably the best thing they could have done in my case would have been to just sit down, shut up, and chill with me until I felt like saying or doing something. Sort of like the submissive posture you wrote about, but instead of submission (since you did nothing wrong), it’s more of a silent “I’m here” type of thing.
I don’t know you or your husband, so like I said, this could be crap Just telling you how it is for me in the hopes that it’s helpful somehow.
I have times like that too, nightsky. Goes like this:
Are you upset about something?
No.
You look upset.
I’m okay.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
You just look like somethings bothering you.
I’m alright.
You just look like you’re mad about something.
I’m fine.
(Ad infinitum)
I, indeed, may be fine, just preoccupied about a nonrelationship thing having nothing to do with you or my desire for you. On the other hand, I may be upset but:
Don’t want to talk about it.
Don’t want to talk about it now.
Don’t want to talk about it ever.
Don’t want to talk about it with you now.
Don’t want to talk about it with you ever.
I will talk about it, but when I’m good and ready and that’s not now.
For now, give me some space. Let it rest. I appreciate your concern for my well-being and wanting to share the load and lift my spirits, but I need time to internally procecess this. Try changing the topic, and if that doesn’t work, let me brood in misery while you entertain yourself in any way you desire. If you wish, remain distant but available. If my mood breaks, you will likely be the first thing I look for to reconnect with the world around me. It’s not that I don’t still want or need you, it is just that you will have to be patient and wait until I can refocus. On a level that makes it very clear: you are tending a sick child, trying to finish the laundry, thinking about the dinner menu and I approach you wanting a five or ten minute late afternoon quickie after work. It isn’t that you don’t want or desire me, just not right that moment. I know what you want to say. “Well if you can come up with this analogy, why can’t you do the same for us before making us feel guilty about denying you the quickie?” ‘Cos we’re a bunch of horny guys hot for our wives. Sometimes you just have to play that double standard card to get what you want. We do love you vixens so!
Minus the wife and kids part, that’s pretty much exactly it for me.
Had to riff on this one. My suggestion? Nuke The Site From Orbit.
http://theredpillroom.blogspot.com/2013/01/girl-game-nuke-site-from-orbit.html
Good luck! And quit worrying so much. Flash him your boobs unexpectantly and gauge his reaction. If he stares blankly into space without reaction, seek medical attention.
[...] Red Pill Wifery [...]
Hugs.
You 5, Me 0.
It could be worse. You’ve had months where you have had more sex than I have had in a year.