This is one of those “let me dissect myself to figure out what’s going on” posts…
We’ve had a rather cool January. The coolness toward each other started because of illness, but just kept going from there. I feel like he’s severely withdrawn from me, and it hurts quite a bit. In the back of my mind, I’m thinking “you deserve it, bitch” and I know that’s a problem, trying to get that particular hamster to STFU.
We’ve had sex 5 times this month. This is a very, very big change for us from the last 3 months. November was 12 times, December was 12 times, I don’t have data for October but I think it was similar if not more. He’s been really stressed about work, the kids being sick, me being sick, etc. I know these are all reasonable reasons to be stressed.
I guess I’m feeling his lack of initiation as a rejection, and that sounds completely ridiculous now that I type it out. And I don’t even specifically want sex… I just need a connection with him. The last month has been a routine of us going to bed, him immediately falling asleep, and me feeling lonely and unable to sleep after we’ve both spent our days putting our fires. Why is it so hard for me to just DO SOMETHING about it other than periodically texting or emailing “I miss you”?
Part of his alpha was his uncaring “I’m going to grab your ass if I want to, I don’t care what you say, woman” sort of attitude, but none of that has happened lately. I feel like I’m just kind of floating along through my days, and he just kind of shows up at the end of the day to help a little with the kids, then we’re done and I’m back to being alone the next day. We’ve watched a tv show together a couple of times, but that doesn’t really cut it for me in the “quality time” department (which is my love language, and I didn’t even know it till I took that test). I just feel like he’s not really here when he’s here.
We had a really hot date Saturday, and I thought that opened things back up. I got dressed up (though I feel like the “hot clothes” I recently bought are already not fitting right. More about my wardrobe malfunctions in another post), bought some new red lipstick, donned some new knee-high leather boots, and we made a night of it. Ended up at a bar to watch the Stars game, lots of flirting, drinking, and talking, and the night ended in a really hot way. I actually initiated the next morning with a “come here” text when I woke up, and we had a pretty good time, complete with dirty talk that I don’t normally feel all that comfortable doing. And his mom was still here, so that was a huge step for me.
And since then… It’s felt cold again. His work audit is over today, and I really hope that brings him back to me. My immediate defense mechanism to his withdrawal is to withdraw myself, and I’m trying not to do that. Maybe left over from previous relationships, when those withdrawals usually preceded the “I love you, but I’m leaving” speech?