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FAP Introspection, Part 2

This is a hard thing to write. I’ve pondered not publishing, but I feel the need to put it out there so it’s not secret anymore. It’s almost therapeutic. Living in my head is a problem for me.

The not-so-obvious, hard-to-admit things on my list:

*Express Happiness and Contentment. I don’t remember how to express happiness to Captain M. Somewhere along the way in our bad years, I turned it off. We were very adversarial, and perhaps I thought showing my happiness at something would be him “winning”. Also, he had a habit of pulling out the “things are always shitty, I’m unhaaaappy” talk right when I thought things were going well, so maybe it was a defense mechanism for that. I know, it’s all a pretty terrible mindset. My problem is that I still act that way most of the time. It’s hard for me to react in a positive way to something when I really do like it. At best, I smirk. When I’m happy about something, I know in my mind that I am, but my mouth won’t form the words. It’s one reason why I write a lot of emails to him, I feel like I can actually express myself through words. And it’s only like this with him… With friends and acquaintances, I have no problem laughing, smiling, giggling, being giddy. I wasn’t really too conscious of this until recently, reading about Intimacy Anorexia. I don’t think I’m anorexic, or at least not the strict definition of it, because I can express unhappiness, frustration, sadness, etc with no problem. I just need to deprogram. It’s hard to change something you’ve been doing for almost a decade. Truth be told, I probably need to see a professional for this. I have a severe dislike of “counselors” (bad experience a few years ago), so it’d need to be a licensed psychologist. I’m researching this, and I may elaborate more as I figure myself out.

*Flirt and Initiate. Captain M told me a week or two ago that I don’t flirt. And he’s right, for the most part. He initiates all our interaction, and I react (though as seen above, my reactions aren’t always overt), though sometimes I indirectly initiate by showing up in something skimpy. I think this is a combination of the above + my absolute shitty self esteem (see below). Since he said this, I’ve made an effort, but I know it’s not enough. Don’t get me wrong, I’m passionate when I respond to him (at least I think I am?) in the bedroom, it’s just hard for him to see if something he’s doing outside the bedroom is good or bad without me being blunt and telling him so. My body language sucks unless we’re actually having sex.

*Fix My Self Esteem. As I mentioned in the weight section, I’ve always thought I was fat, even when I wasn’t. Now that I have typical mother problems (things aren’t quite situated where they used to be), it’s just exacerbated. Mostly I think “well hell, I wasted my pretty years, I’m fucked.” I sometimes wonder if the “Wife Goggles” idea is something made up to make older women feel better. I know it’s probably not, else it’d have to be some huge conspiracy since it’s been discussed so many places, but I look at myself and don’t see anything worth looking at. This makes it really hard for me to take compliments, especially from Captain M. I’ve gotten better at that though… Previously I’d argue with him about whatever he complimented. You think I look great in these jeans? Bullshit, I’m a fat cow. Aaargh. Now I try to smile and say Thank You. I can’t take a compliment from other people either. I just don’t believe them most of the time.

When I’m naked with him, I go inside myself and pretend that I have a different body. It’s the way I cope with how I see myself. I’m not sure that’s entirely healthy or normal.

I’ve really tried to stop dumping all my self esteem crap on Captain M. I know if I keep harping on the parts of me that are bad, he’s going to start noticing just how bad they are. I know it’s not attractive. I’ve been trying to keep it to myself, but I know I actually need to fix it instead of just putting a bandaid on it by not talking about it.

Once I’m done losing weight and having kids, a tummy tuck and a boob lift will make me feel a lot better. I’m wistfully pondering the future.

22 comments on “FAP Introspection, Part 2

  1. These posts are so inspirational. I think it’s very courageous of you to share such personal and intimate thoughts and feelings. I’m working on a post right now that excerpts my journal and discusses how I came across your blog in particular. I’m having anxiety attacks thinking about putting it out there for everyone to see, so your posts give me courage.

    • Thanks darlingdoll :) Getting this stuff out has been pretty therapeutic, and oddly doesn’t trigger the anxiety I usually have actually talking to people. Oh, that’s one I forgot to add, I don’t know how I missed it. I have crazy social anxiety. :P

  2. So many parallels in my own life here. Before the Red Pill (mostly) and taking the lead I too would pull the unhaapy stuff, trying to get things to change with this passive-aggressive crap, while my wife thought things were going well. Also like you, she too has issues being flirty and initiating which she’ll admit to as wel. She too had self esteem issues until relatively recently and also has dealt with depression issues (on wellbutrin at least some of the year, mostly winter) She’s turned that page on how she views herself since she is fitter and has an almost flat tummy for the first time in a long time. It’s taken awhile for these changes though, and has been a lot of ups and downs for us, and I’m guessing it will go that way for you too. Realize your issues are common, and hopefully that makes you feel a little better.

    • That does make me feel better, especially hearing that she’s kicked her self esteem problems. Thanks AMD :)

  3. Don’t get too down on yourself, you are doing an amazing job losing weight and your lost blog post was all about how awesome your husband is. I hope you feel happier soon.

  4. Thanks for sharing, always inspiring to read others’ stories and their wanting and working to be who they want to be. I know it’s not easy.

    On a personal level, I can kind of echo what AMD said.

    While everyone has different stories and different lives, when you said you have trouble expressing happiness to Cap it reminded me a lot of myself. I have always struggled throughout my adult life expressing “happiness”.

    You certainly aren’t alone.

  5. Taking the red pill is so fraught; I’m experiencing a lot of the same hurdles! It’s like before the red pill I was totally unconscious of my actions & behaviors & now that I’ve taken it I try to second guess everything. And if he isn’t responding how everyone says he would/should…

    I always imagine that I have Coco’s butt* when he swats mine, which is funny because I was pretty much born without one, lol.

    *Coco’s butt: http://www.buzzfeed.com/whitneyjefferson/30-things-that-cocos-butt-did-this-year

    • Bwahahaha, that link is killing me. Especially the caption “Coco’s butt battles Hurricane Sandy”… LOLOLOL

  6. Hey girl, I think you are wise for looking into yourself to really examine these things. It’s not easy.

    • Thanks, gal. To be honest, your situation made me think a lot about how I express myself and how that effects Capt M, so thank you for putting yourself out there. *hugs*

  7. I’m going to make this simple as I can.

    You are obviously and publicly busting your ass to make your life better for yourself, your Captain, and your kids. Yep, it’s hard and sometimes it’s scary. If it was easy, we’d all be heroes. Good job, good sailing, and good luck.

    I hope your example inspires more to be like you.

    ‘Nuff said,
    Omnivorous

  8. Wife Goggles are real. My ex used to be fat, honest-to-God overweight, and I didn’t see it. I look at a picture of her from those years, and the a picture of her from years earlier before she put on the weight or years later after she lost the weight, and I don’t understand how I didn’t see it, but I didn’t see it. Wife Goggles are powerful things.

  9. I am just catching up on my reading and am so impressed with your FAP posts…it is very difficult to share those parts of ourselves that cause us difficulty, but in doing so you help others realize they are not alone and you see the growth in yourself. It is inspiring…I often hope that Levi’s wife goggles are quite thick:)
    Bea

  10. I agree with the others, thankyou for writing this! I love planning so this is a good idea for me.
    PS we eat primal most of the time, it is totally on the money for taking control of your health! :)

  11. It’s easy to show only the best parts of yourself, especially on the internet. I am glad you aren’t afraid to talk about these internal struggles – because we all have them. I really admire what you and your husband are doing to fix up your marriage,and I hope to keep stealing gems of wisdom from you.

  12. These FAP posts are great. I just turned 21 and I already have a ridiculous fear of aging…I am having trouble believing the wife googles thing, and then I get frustrated at -men in general- for liking young women more. As if I’m already done being a young woman! It’s really bothering me. I love your posts though, they’re so encouraging and I think your honesty is so admirable and you’re just GREAT. I want to do a series of FAP posts as well because of this.

    • Oh gal, you’ve got so many years of awesome ahead of you. Don’t even worry about the aging thing. ENJOY YOUR YOUTH!!! Else I’ll be mad you wasted it. ;)

      You’re so lucky to have found this stuff so young. What I wouldn’t give to have a time machine.

      Can’t believe I hadn’t seen your blog before now, great stuff!

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