10 Comments

Default Yes…. No.

Athol has been frustrated about the Default Yes.

I wrote about trying Default Yes a while back, based on Mrs. Yes’s experience in 2012. It failed after a few months, and I believe I went into why, but I don’t remember the name of the post, so I’m gonna flesh it out again since it’s a hot topic.

A lot of ladies are suffering from overly-beta alpha-deficient husbands. Default Yes sounds good at first, especially if your marriage has been suffering from not enough sex. Especially if you feel guilty for that fact, like I have. I’m working on getting over it, really. But it’s easy to fall into that trap, thinking that if he has the reward, he’ll be more motivated to change.

But if he’s getting sexed up by a hot woman, why would he change?

Our failure wasn’t necessarily of that scenario… Captain M wanted to change. But by giving him sex whenever he wanted it, whether I wanted it or not, I wasn’t giving him a gauge of how well his MAP was running. It was like taking a long trip without being able to see the gas tank needle.

The idea is for guys to get so darn hot that their women can’t help but say yes. And I was robbing him of that and only causing more problems.

So that experiment failed. Don’t do it! It worked for Mrs. Yes, but I suspect that was because they were already coming from a good healthy marriage. If you’ve been having problems, it just doesn’t work that way.

(Speaking of Mrs. Yes, if you’re out there, I hope things are ok with you! We miss your updates!)

10 comments on “Default Yes…. No.

  1. Wow, that is interesting. I’m doing that; I even went from “never say no” to “be very enthusiastic”, but it seems to work well for me. It’s been about a year since I started. I think that my problem was that he was pretty alpha & I was fighting that; when I quit shit-testing & making all the decisions, he was able to recapture his alpha.

    But I don’t know really & there’s this damn hamster running around :)

    • I think that’s good! You’re in a position that not a lot of women are in. Sounds like you needed that to reel yourself in. :) But do you ever really want to tell him no, now that you’ve stopped struggling against him?

  2. No, come to think of it. He’s pretty hot & knows all the right buttons to push :D

  3. This idea raises an interesting if not potentially devastating gambit.

    i may personally elaborate if pressed. it seems to me here that if there is a requirement for the guy to alpha up – improve attraction – then dear wife better damned well make sure she lives up to this contract she created with herself.

    What you have done is created a man with ever growing options. And i don’t care about your or his religious beliefs: if you don’t live up to the contract AND he exercises one or a couple of those options, you have no one to blame but yourself. No One.

    I am a bit surprised that this would come out here. There are some wives who might respond favorably for awhile then up the bar. This requirement seems to nullify the contract into which you entered on your wedding day. But that’s another topic.

    • I absolutely agree that if you ask your guy to alpha up, you have to alpha up as well. It should happen anyway… If he’s becoming more alpha, you’re gonna be more attracted to him. If you don’t respond, you can’t be surprised when he checks out.

      But what happens if he starts off acting alpha, but then backslides? Reward him for it? I’m not saying never have sex with him again, but make him work for it. Captain M has told me he prefers not to have a “default yes” because a little bit of chase keeps him interested. He likes to try to change my mind.

      You said: “I am a bit surprised that this would come out here. There are some wives who might respond favorably for awhile then up the bar. This requirement seems to nullify the contract into which you entered on your wedding day. But that’s another topic.”

      Can you elaborate a bit? If you’re talking about a topic I’ve talked about previously, never denying your spouse… Well, lets just say I’m still going through that religious crisis I talked about a few weeks back. This is tied in with that.

      Default Yes works great if you have a man that cranks your engine. But if he doesn’t, and you want to change that, what can you do? After reading the MMSL forums for a long while and seeing woman after woman come with the same problem… Having sex with him doesn’t help the situation, and sometimes actually makes it worse.

    • I thought I’d added it in there, but I guess not… We’re on a Default Maybe plan, and it’s been working out great.

      Keep in mind that I come at this from a position of being in a totally crap attractionless marriage for 7 years. Other ladies even longer, and with husbands that aren’t on board at all and who would rather play video games than fix their problems.

      • First, I want to qualify that I am a believer who is in the process of evaluating his faith. Read: backsliding.

        I view marriage from the perspective that the only thing that occurs in marriage that requires marriage is SEX, noting that children are the result of sex. Everything else can be obtained through other relationships. Of course, within a marriage one will not pursue some of those things with other people, but if not married they would still be possibilities. To me, marriage is a sexual contract. And no, I really don’t understand the difference between covenant and contract. Regardless, denying your spouse is breaking the contract as much as stepping out on your spouse.

        I was in 20-some years of a clinically sexless marriage. Mid-life came along, I started a bit of MAP (not that I knew what that was), wife was on a reverse course, options came along, I exercised them.

        I know you have some religious leanings: Catholic, right? I hate the word religious, but everyone understands it. I get then that you might have some kind of crisis. I have sort of kept up but not really.

        Now, what do you do about an alpha->beta transition? I would suggest treat it carefully. Interesting after I confessed to exercising options, my now ex-wife became the most outstanding lover for awhile. It waned, then disappeared, because she was still the gatekeeper. I would suggest that saying no is not an option. How well you engage is. An implicit, “Honey, I really really liked how you did that thing you did today, and I am going to show you just how much I liked it by effing your brains out.” Note the word “implicit”.

        Similarly though, ex-wife gained about 100 pounds from marriage date onward. I still wanted her (wife goggles, was it?). But really, really??? If we equate male alphaness to female attractiveness, then I am well within my rights to deny her sex because she is fat and repulses me. How do you feel about that, given that you have admitted to weight issues? BTW, it is hard for me to picture you as anything but a lithe french maid!

        On the note of raising the bar, beta that I was, my wife prescribed my MAP. I met it. Oops, carrot pulled away. “Here’s your new MAP.” Fair enough. “Crap, where’s that carrot????” I think there were 3 of them. I checked out.

        While I think it is important, very important, for a spouse to maintain, develop, and maintain (rinse and repeat) attraction, I also think it is important for the spouse to also seek to be attracted. It is pretty easy to find fault with what is happening, much like my ex did. Interesting stories there, BTW. I might be androcentric here, but in some ways you girls have it easy. We marry you, we want sex with you. Hence the wife goggles phenomenon. You are always our hot french maid. My alpha-ing up means you have to recognize it, circling back to the risky gambit from above. You alpha-ing up means I have to recognize it.

        I still think YES must be the default. But default doesn’t mean it’s never no, and it doesn’t mean that if it’s no it won’t turn into a yes. I think that last scenario is the one where MAP/FAP makes a difference.

        • “I still think YES must be the default. But default doesn’t mean it’s never no, and it doesn’t mean that if it’s no it won’t turn into a yes.”

          I think we’re saying the same thing, but using different words… I guess when I say “default yes”, I’m thinking “yes all the time no matter what, unless physical things happen that make it uncomfortable”. We seem to be in agreement for the most part. I also agree that sex makes marriage more than just a legally binding friendship. Totally.

          “If we equate male alphaness to female attractiveness, then I am well within my rights to deny her sex because she is fat and repulses me.”

          Actually had an interesting discussion about this recently. I think men and women take sexual rejection very differently, for a myriad of reasons. I think women internalize it more. I’ll share something very personal with you: someone very near and dear to me once said something hurtful about my appearance 10 years ago. It still bothers me to this day. That one single sentence. 10 years. It’s still stuck in my brain like a little splinter… Sometimes I don’t notice, but every now and then it stings like a motherfucker. And it’s not just me. Low-t and porn addicted men tend to reject their wives, and they internalize it and it’s very, very hard to get past. I’m talking therapy-level, screwing up all future relationships type stuff. If guys took it that way, there’d never be any PUA’s. :P It’s way easier for a guy to practice outcome independence in a situation like that. But I’m kinda going off the rails and into other subjects here… I hope I didn’t just make myself sound completely stupid. It’s late for me to be trying to sound smart.

          “BTW, it is hard for me to picture you as anything but a lithe french maid!”

          Bahaha, thanks. I really have more body image issues than I should. I’m really not that bad right now. I saw some photos from a few years ago on Facebook the other day, I actually look rather normal now, and it’s nice to recognize that. Body image is something I’m considering seeing someone about, but I haven’t really been spinning the wheels to make it happen. I really need to. Another off topic! Dang it, my brain is all over the place tonight.

          “On the note of raising the bar, beta that I was, my wife prescribed my MAP. I met it. Oops, carrot pulled away. “Here’s your new MAP.” Fair enough. “Crap, where’s that carrot????” I think there were 3 of them. I checked out.”

          Yeah, definitely not advocating that. Your ex should have seen what was coming from a mile away.

          “While I think it is important, very important, for a spouse to maintain, develop, and maintain (rinse and repeat) attraction, I also think it is important for the spouse to also seek to be attracted.”

          Yes. That’s what my FAP goals post was all about :D But for women who are married to lazy bears, they get all hot by going to the gym, and really work on improving themselves… Then they sex up their husbands, and the husband thinks “man, I must be doing really awesome, this hot chick wants to have sex whenever I want!”

          Communication is really great here. Captain M has been pretty good about telling me the things he’d like to see improve (in a very gentle way, for the most part). I’m trying, God help me. And I try to let him know the same. Keyword: try. Communication isn’t my strong suit, current blog to the contrary. :P

  4. Default Maybe – sounds like a good plan!
    I agree with the theory of Default Yes being a no because I used to HAVE a hubby who’d rather play video games until all hours of the night then work on us…Why would I reward that? It’s like rewarding my kiddo for pestering the crap out of me every time we go to the store…

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