Why Can’t I Initiate?

He tells me he’s going to do bills.

I go take a shower, letting the water warm me up, thinking of what I’m going to do. I form the words, repeat them to myself about a million times. I step out, put on a cute lacy cami and my tight yoga pants. I pondered the black lacy baby-doll negligee, but decided that I wanted my words to do the talking this time, because that was what I needed to work on. The words and the action.

I look myself over, and head to the living room. He’s still on the computer. Well hell, I didn’t plan for that in the little scene that took place in my head. I pictured us standing, and me looking up into his eyes, hands on his muscular (hot!) triceps. Ok, whatever, I’ll do it anyway. There’s not a lot of room around the computer chair, I can’t kneel down next to him, and there are arms on the chair, I can’t just sit in his lap without it being really awkward. Well crap. I walk up, put my hand on his shoulder, and wanted to say:

“Spank me like I deserve it, then fuck me like you own me.”

What actually came out of my mouth…

“So, you’re not doing bills anymore?”

FUCK. But he laughed, and I think he knew I was trying to tell him something, even if my brain couldn’t form the sentence. He tried to get me to say what I wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t squeak out. I felt ridiculous. He took over.

The evening ended well, but why the hell can’t I just SAY what I want to say? Why do I get so stuck in my head?

41 comments on “Why Can’t I Initiate?

  1. Don’t worry so much, I still can’t do a stip tease without giggling the whole time, so much for sexy.

    • I haven’t even attempted such a thing. Pretty sure I’d spontaneously combust from embarrassment.

    • Giggling is sexy. Especially when nipples are involved.

    • Try baby steps, Sis and Rpw. Try flashing him, with or without bra. Just a quick flash, Unbutton in advance, pull open, catch his eye, wink, smile and turn away. Might take all of 3 seconds. Not enough time to show embarrassment, just enough time to flirt and tease. You don’t have to say anything or go on to a next step like stripping, just a quick visual wham bam. Flash longer if you’re comfortable. Sometime you might unbutton an extra button or two for an accidental wardrobe malfunction. Give him some visual space and DON’T notice him looking. Pay close attention to what’s on the stove, the magazine you’re reading, the television show you’re watching and let him ogle to his heart’s content. Play with the kids on the floor or on the grass and keep either your backside of frontside in his line of vision. Some subtle modesty will be required here of course with the kiddos. It certainly won’t hurt them to see that mom and dad likes each other though.

      If getting dressed with him in the room, put the blouse on over the bra, but leave it open as you finish dressing. Leave the pants or skirt until last. You could also lay out the intended clothing on the bed and then do this: As you bend over into the closet, not kneel, ask “Have you seen whatever color heels?” pausing for him to take you in. Then, get out two pairs of heels. Ask, as you are slowly putting the first pair on with a pointed toe, “Do you think these shoes go with this dress?” You are now standing before him scantily clad or nude in heels with a leg sticking forward slowly twisting your foot about (yes, you can hang on to the bed post or door jamb). Before he can answer, begin taking them off and ask, “Or do you like these better?” as you begin slipping them on with pointed toe. Turn 3/4 with your back to him, lift you leg toward your rear, look over your shoulder at him and ask, “Do you think this heel is too tall?” Bet he won’t be looking at the heel. Now, strut slowly away asking, “Do they look okay to you?” Now try the same with the first pair including the walk. You have now done a series of stripper moves without role playing a stripper. No music. No dancing. Just posturing seductively. You know the parts he likes to see and how he likes to see them. Each time you asked a question, you directed his attention to you as you “performed.” You should have given this some forethought and worn really flattering undies, especially the panties for the booty walk-away, or nothing if you can be so bold. I personally prefer with undies. It’s always fun to have something to “change” into for something you like better, while still in the heels of course. You will have to change (strip) into a new bra with them on, and remove the panties (Yes, leave the heels on for this. If your balance is shaky, let them drop and step out of them. First one foot out and then give them a little kick out of the way with the other.). The shoes will then have to be “stripped off” to put the new undies on unless you are really agile and practiced at it (with toes at point of course if shoes off). All of this can be done with or without thigh highs, preferably with. No pantyhose please! I know. Sometimes I think I should have been born a woman.

      All of this is what strippers do, but they do with a rhythmic flow to music. It’s really not so complex when you break it down, and if you feel you lack physical grace, there’s no dancing involved. The idea is for you to get accustomed to using you body in a more overt way as a tool to spark his interest. After awhile you will be more relaxed and you may be able to play that role with confidence in which case rest assured your sensual intent will trump physical imperfection all day/night long. Practice the physical moves you are capable of pulling off at your current fitness level. Practice in front of a mirror just like a magician. If you can pull of a few moves well, the rest will pass. Kind of like Dancing With the Stars. The stars and the pro feature the moves the star pulls off best. Build the dance around your best moves. Feature the body parts he is most partial to. Whatever happens, in the end he will gleefully hold up the 10 card.

      How about that for a mysterious, never-ending discovery about me, Sis?

  2. Try to forget about yourself and how you look and concentrate on him and his reaction. Put yourself in the mindset of a courtesan with a first-time wealthy client whose repeat business she wants to procure.

  3. A couple of things, show up naked, bring beer, always a winner. But for yourself, I think you are fearful of suggesting in word or deed to your husband that you would be available, ANYTIME. This is your fear, as for why you have it, that is your decision. But it has been my observation that most women retain control of sex over their husbands when they think they wont get a kitchen reno, or a new pair of shoes, rather than being that person who would get them without such behaviour.

    • Nah, that’s not me… There is absolutely no covert contract for me when it comes to sex. I don’t expect anything in exchange for sex (except maybe more sex?), and hopefully he doesn’t either.

  4. Yikes, I generally don’t say anything, I usually just walk through the room dropping articles of clothing as I disappear into the bedroom. He picks up on the hint pretty well. I should try a little strip-tease though…

  5. Rpw and Sis,

    You are the two people I would have thought absolutely had this part of it down from the way you write.

    • Once things are going, I have NO PROBLEM saying the dirtiest things that pop into my head, or doing whatever sexy thing he wants me to do. It’s the initiation part that trips me up, and I have no idea why.

      Generally, my main way of initiating is wearing in the sexiest underwear I can find, which works great, but I want to expand that if I can Through words especially because I know he loves that. They just sort of get stuck on my tongue.

    • And it comes through in my writing that way because I live in my head so much. I usually have a vision of how things will go, then I get tripped up and have a hard time recovering.

      • I understand the discomfort part of it and will address it later today when I have time. It’s pretty much the same for us guys when you initiate. We are flattered and excited, but can be caught flat-footed verbally for an appropriately romantic response other than, ” Okay.”

        • The appropriate response involves no words, just grab her, kiss her passionately, and either carry her to an appropriate place to get nasty, or get to it right where you stand. :D

          I must admit, part of my trepidation was wondering if he’d laugh at me, considering it’s so out of character for me…

  6. Sounds like a slut defense to me, you know; “good girls don’t”.

    Don’t worry RPW, Cap will be OK if you act a little “slutty”….

    Also could be cause you get turned on by him “taking you”. I know someone like that, she never initiates, but at least I know why.

    Glad you guys had a good romp nonetheless.

  7. initiation is the worst for me too! Like you I have no qualms about doing whatever he ask, or saying things in more of the heat of the moment maybe? But starting it? Yikes.. channel back to high school theater days for me.. I would have to just swagger up to him, and sort of look at a spot on the wall behind his head and just blurt it out… HA! ;) or I chicken out and text it…. He hates texting in the house when we are all home, so He’d love to spank me over that as well before he had his way with me. WIN WIN.

  8. Ponyboy, I think it’s actually a little more than slut defense. Women are naturally responsive, and when they are trying to initiate they are often outside of their comfort zones. Trying to segue into sex without sounding silly, etc. is more of a reflection of their self-confidence and self-image than “good girls don’t do that”. Of course I reserve the right to be wrong.

    Mrs. Ironwood used to struggle with this (and in truth she still does). But after our 3rd, all pretense went out the window. If we’re stuck in Married People Land, and we know our time is limited, she now has no problem looking at me and saying, “Sex, please?” and I take it from there.

    ‘Cause, hell, knowing you aren’t going to get rejected is half the battle.

    • “Trying to segue into sex without sounding silly, etc. is more of a reflection of their self-confidence and self-image than “good girls don’t do that”.”

      Most likely spot on. I’m struggling with body image after twin pregnancy.

      • Body image, The spawn of Satan for sure. I recently lost a comment I wrote about thei due to miskeying. I’ll try again. Men’s eyes are not mirrors. They are not cameras. A mirror reflects reality, warts and all. A camera does much the same, but we have some control over just how much reality it captures and the degree of detail in that reality.

        Men’s eyes are an artist’s canvas. Unlike a photo which captures reality, an artist creates his own reality on canvas. What he sees is filtered through his perception as he paints. He can choose not to see the “flaws” and paint only what he chooses to see. This is how lovers look at one another. We know your imperfect areas, but we choose not to see them. They are not a concious part of our passionate experience. We paint our own reality as our love for you filters it. If you really let yourself go, is it more difficult to “not” see it? Of course, no point in sounding naive. The problem is the great majority of women do not have problems to the extreme they are willing to own. The relationship they are in will never rise above the lowest level of their body image issue. It’s easy to say change it if you can or accept it if you can’t and we all know the absolute truth behind that. Most can’t or won’t is where the problem lies, and in failing to do either, they only compound their feelings of inadequacy. I don’t know what to tell you to defeat that, but I can tell you your husbands see less than you do.

  9. You DID say it, just not with words! The reality of the scene didn’t match up with your rehearsed fantasy scenario, and instead of packing it in and quitting, you adapted. Keep rehearsing the words you’d like to use, and eventually you will become so comfortable with them they’ll just slip out at some opportune moment. You initiated. Claim it, it’s your victory.

  10. I agree with Pony boy. Even as a red pill wife, and knowing your place and position, I can imagine it is hard to bring that persona out. Once you get going, it IS a lot easier. You are comfortable with both of your mindsets and intense arousal changes how you think. I’d probably suggest that next time, ummmmm, intensify your arousal before the initiation. That might help get past a hurdle.

  11. Try initiating with just your tone of voice. There are two distinctly different ways you could say, “Are you done with the bills yet?” depending on your tone of voice – in a matter of fact tone or a deep, sultry, wink-wink-nudge-nudge tone. Once you are more comfortable with initiating verbally, maybe it will be easier to add in the spicy words.

    Really, I initiate just by saying the word “hey” in the right tone sometimes, and somehow how he never misunderstands what it means.

      • Try coming up behind him and whispering in his ear. No face-to-face eye contact so no worrying about how silly you think you look. It will be easier to say more when you aren’t having to read his expression. I read you went over what you wanted to say a million times. Did you say it out loud at volume any of those times?. Did you rehearse it with the intonation like SSM suggests? It should be so simple, shouldn’t it? After all, you’ve been married how long? Doesn’t work that way though, unless you’re drunk.

        Treat it just like a speach you are going to have to make. Rehearse it out loud until you are comfortable with speaking and hearing it. If you will be saying it to his face, do it in front of a mirror unit you look like Lauren Bacall telling Bogey to “put your lips together and blow.” It would seem like this should all be so unnecessary, but apparently not. We practice dance steps, recipes, singing, walking in heels, asking the boss for a raise, proposing, handjobs, and blowjobs. It seems this is no different. Being self-employed, I ocassionally raise my rate. The first two times I quote it to a customer, especially one used to the old rate, it comes out a little meek and croaky. The third time it just rolls out in a very conversational way, like I’ve been getting paid that all along. I know I deserve it. I know he can afford it. You know you want it and can deliver. You know he wants it. Like Ironwood said, ” hell, knowing you aren’t going to get rejected is half the battle.” Both you and Sis can do this. Now go back to the top and follow the baby-step faux strip tease instructions I left for the two of you. Piece of cake. And don’t let that body image crap screw over you.

  12. Ok since the female population is having trouble here, so I’m going to tell you exactly how to get your man in that sexytime mood. I have lots of experience in the field of making shit up off the top of my head so you know this info will be both useful as well as legitimate.

    First off, you’re going to want to go to your local Mexican party store and purchase one of those Lucha Libre masks. The brighter the color, the better. You want this dude to notice you since he will probably be on the internet or looking at sports or whatever the fuck dudes look at. Personally, I spend several hours meditating in front of this really shiny statue of Mr. T that I made out of tinfoil. Meditation is good for the soul. That’s what my parole officer told me. That dude’s a dick.

    Take your Lucha Libre mask, remove any itchy price tags and place it over your head. Next, get a beer out of the fridge and bring it over. Liquor is good for the male libido. I think. Anyway, this is where you’re going to have to use your female trickery. Offer him the beer like he can actually drink it. Once he sees that you’re wearing the Lucha Libre mask, yell “Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyeeeeeee!!!!!” really loud. If you don’t know the sound I’m talking about, go to any mexican restaurant and listen to some mariachi music until you’ve got a handle on the yell.

    Ok now bust that fucking beer on his skull, then put him in a chokehold. Choke your sweetheart into unconsciousness. This should be easy if you are good at female trickery, which most females and some trannies are. Once you’ve choked him out, drag his unconscious corpse up to the bedroom. Bedroom’s on the second floor? Shoulda planned ahead and bought a house with a bedroom on the first floor. Now you’re gonna have to do work.

    Once you’ve got him up there, he should be regaining him some consciousness. Offer him some of the remaining beer but pick the glass chunks out first. Quickly slip him a viagra in with the and then tie him to the bed. Boom, you’re getting lucky.

    • I may as well close comments on this post, this is the answer.

      I’m a little antsy about spilling beer though, that seems like a waste. Could I hit him with a folding chair, then give him an unbroken beer once we get to the bedroom?

  13. Ok…these are just great ideas and everyone pretty much already said what I was thinking…baby steps…try saying something that is less bold and work up to your phrase. I love userdand’s artist analogy…I really hope that is true…can’t stand these stretch marks, varicose veins, and even a little hail damage. Ugh…really hoping he doesn’t really see that. You might try putting your best asset forward as it were…I am well endowed and Levi is a boob man so I would lean over the desk a little so he gets a good view (this also means he isn’t looking at your face which makes it a little easier:)) and then say…in sunshine mary’s sexy voice…done with those bills? If you have a great ass…show the ass and look over your shoulder…eyebrow raise:)
    I can never seem to say the “naughty” things…that is so hard for me too. I am not sure I will ever get there…I am turning ten shades of red just typing this:) I have to work on it…but I did initiate the other day in a fun, flirty way:) I said…hey babe…you know how I am trying to lose weight?…I read that you can burn around 100 calories having sex…Want to help me burn some calories? A little cheesey…but I will get there…so will you:)

    • What I said about me not seeing” the imperfections (hate using the word flaws) Is true. I will qualify that with this one caveat: This is the case in a healthy loving relationship. When you aren’t happy with one another, you will begin notice any and every little thing that displeases you about your mate and let it become an issue of dissatisfaction. The good news about that though is that condition is reversible. In a less toxic relationship, it plays out like this: He slighted me and now I’m hurt and mad. He can’t do anything to change my mind or please me (other than apologize of course). Everything he says or does is irritating me. I can’t stand the way he does __________. Later after things cool you are not so critical and a little more tolerant of his shortcomings. Whether it is because you dealt with the problem or not is important, but that is another topic. The point is you aren’t looking for things that separate you. You are looking to draw together again. That process causes you to “see” things differently. All of his imperfections are still there, but your vision is filtered by loving compassion.

      That is how it works in the visual world with us men. We don’t “see” stretch marks or asymmetry in your breasts. We see the breasts of your youth, we see perfection. We see BREASTS! Yea! We see perfectly rounded butts and supple thighs and soft tummies to rest our heads upon. We see the bodies that bore the joy of our children.

      We are just as aware of aging in our own bodies. Our gut protrudes, our chest flattens and drops, our butt drops and our best buddy sometimes drops at the most inopportune moments. Yes, our pubic hair turns grey too. Are we aware of similar things in your lives? Of course we are. Do we focus on them and let their existence ruin our perception of you? NO WAY! Absolutely not. We are no less aware than you, but like you we can choose what we “see”, where our focus lies.

      We love you so much and simply adore and desire you and your bodies. This is truer than you know. I wish there were a magic pill to cure body image, but all we have for now is trust. Trust in this compassionate truth: We see beauty. We see sensuality. We see sexy. We see perfection. We adore you. We desire you.

      I have no reason to lie to any of you ladies and I don’t sugar coat things because that would ultimately bring the integrity of my comments into dispute.

  14. [...] This post is adapted from a helpful comment I left at Adventures In Red Pill Wifery.  [...]

  15. @ New Bea
    “You might try putting your best asset forward as it were…I am well endowed and Levi is a boob man so I would lean over the desk a little so he gets a good view (this also means he isn’t looking at your face which makes it a little easier:)) and then say…in sunshine mary’s sexy voice…done with those bills? If you have a great ass…show the ass and look over your shoulder…eyebrow raise:)”

    You have absolutely got it. Where can the rest of the ladies sign up for classes?. Just baby-step into fliritng, initiating, stripping or whatever. Play to your physical stengths and to his visual and desire weaknesses. He will LOVE it. You have the adantage of being the dealer and rigging the game by playing with a stacked deck. I know, cheesy allusion, but your the one who played the endowment card. There I go again. By the way, I think the diet comment was great, not at all cheesy. You done good, girl.

  16. Lol, you know, if I said that phrase, it would sound weird and fake, even if I meant it. It’s something out of a novel. Does he want you to speak that way? (No problem if he does.)
    When a man is at the computer, I feel it’s the perfect time to start giving him a back/shoulder massage and kissing him (unless he’s terribly busy) and ask if he wants to go to bed soon.

    • Yes, he loves words like that…. I’d call him an audiophile, if there is such a thing. I’m pretty sure he would want me to talk all the way through sex if I could. Meanwhile, I’m not too fond of talking. It’s a distraction for me, especially if he does it (which he also loves doing). I’ve learned to love his reaction to me saying things, but I find myself running out of things to say, which is awkward, because I feel like repeating myself is weird.

      • Ah, I see. I’m not a big talker either. It’s surprising he likes to talk, I remember reading an adult magazine (yeah, silly source of information), where it said men don’t like talking during sex. I see you got a special man :) (either that of the article was lying)

  17. Forgot to say.. I feel the man has all the initiating power. If he is too tired to have sex, it isn’t happening. If the woman is too tired, it can still happen, due to physical reasons.

  18. Don’t sweat it. Really. My Bride’s idea of initiation. “Well, I guess it’s time for me to put my C-PAP on.” I was supposed to recognize that once she put’s that on, I’ve missed the whoopie-window. (And, in fairness, I’ve yet to figure out how to make disconnecting your partner’s air-supply to be romantic.)

    But it was my job to understand that that was supposed to mean “I’m horny, do something about it.”

    I caught that one. I wonder how many I miss?

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